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ABOTO: End Times Edition

May 21, 2011

“If I knew the world was coming to an end, I would go to Cincinnati because everything happens ten years later in Cincinnati.” —Will Rogers, or possibly Mark Twain, or neither

Baseball’s the one true religion in my life; all other matters of faith I approach with skepticism and logic. Thus I felt it would be useful to examine the widespread prediction of today’s Rapture through the lens of America’s pastime, and for assistance, I’ve consulted the Rapture Index, a real-time accounting of 45 specific indicators that the second coming is at hand.

People, the doomsayers may be right. Look at the evidence.

Leadership: The Cleveland Indians are 27-15 and in first place. If that’s not a clear sign of the end of the world, I don’t know what is.

Unemployment: At this writing, Milton Bradley is still, mysteriously, out of a job.

Earthquakes: You know what earthquakes cause? Power outages. You know who’s gone 94 at-bats without a home run? Albert Pujols.

Financial unrest: Frank McCourt, we’re all looking at you.

Wild weather: With 30 rainouts already this season, Major League Baseball is on pace for a new record—never mind that at least of few of those postponements have come on clear, balmy days.

The false prophet: Hmmm. Does Jose Canseco count? Oh, no, wait, he was telling the truth.

Kings of the East: …..Yeah, let’s skip this one; the Phillies and Yankees and Red Sox don’t need any encouragement to think of themselves as royalty.

Liberalism: Well, Baltimore did allow the Nationals (team batting average .229, 29th out of 30 teams) to score 17 runs yesterday—the most for the Nats since they were the Expos.

Mark of the beast: Have we finally found our explanation for those new tattoos on Yadi’s neck?

Tribulation Temple: To be honest, I have no idea what this means—I just love the sound of it. And I feel like it’s something Chris Carpenter can relate to.

After reviewing the facts, I’m forced to conclude that there is, indeed, an excellent chance that the end times are upon us, and while I myself am presumably in no danger of being called up to meet my maker this evening, the piety among big leaguers runs wide and deep enough that I expect to see a lot of empty uniforms on the field tonight. (Literally, I mean—the Twins on a normal day don’t count.)

Thank goodness the Cardinals play this afternoon. Pitch us to the sweet hereafter, Jake Westbrook.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Cheap Seats permalink
    May 21, 2011 11:01 am

    We’ll all go out laughing! I am OTF.

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