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Oh, the places they went!

November 2, 2011

The Cardinal fans loved their Redbirds a lot,
But the sportswriters, pundits, and critics did not!
They scoffed at this team, and we all know the reason:
The Redbirds were humdrum for much of the season.
Wainwright was ailing, and Pujols unsigned;
Carpenter struggled, and Tony went blind.
Holliday battled with moths and an appy;
Franklin was awful, and no one was happy.
Mozeliak tried hard to improve the scenario
By shipping the Rasmus clan off to Ontario,
Yet even with help from Dotel and Rzepczinski,
The Cards were concordant as twelve-tone Stravinsky.
A late Dodger sweep left them gasping for breath
And critics predicting their imminent death;
The fans watched the Cards with their backs to the wall
And asked—could their hearts be three sizes too small?
Yet just when their prospects seemed hopelessly bleak,
Carp called a team meeting and cursed a blue streak!
He cursed motivation! He cursed about grit!
He cursed about faith and refusing to quit!
He cursed to the starters and to the relievers!
The fielders, the hitters—he made them believers!
And wonder of wonders, they rose from their graves
To face down the Pirates and Brewers and Braves,
Then pounded the Phillies and squeaked by the Mets
In duels and blowouts and shocking upsets.
They won games with sac bunts and with double switches!
They won on hit batsmen and Marmol’s wild pitches!
No matter the score and no matter the inning,
These wildest of Wild Cards just kept right on winning!
They shut out the Astros to close out September
And set about crafting a fall to remember:
The Phils were the first to be neatly dispatched
(The squirrel alone had Oswalt overmatched);
The Beastly Brew Crew were the next ones they’d crush
With barely a tweet from the stunned Tony Plush.
The cheers from St. Louis were deafeningly loud;
The fans were ecstatic and Torty was proud!
But could the Cards weather the multiple dangers
Of Arlington’s strapping and strong Power Rangers?
“No chance!” said the pundits. “No way!” said the writers.
“No shot!” said the Bowas and Caseys and Leiters.
Had none of the critics been paying attention
To these shocking Cards and their awesome ascension?
No matter! The Birds liked their underdog role,
And Tony had everything under control.
The bats were electric. The bullpen was magic.
They bounced back from losses that felt downright tragic.
And just when we thought we’d seen all of their tricks,
They pulled out a miracle late in Game Six—
When, just as it seemed they were destined to lose,
David Freese hit a ball that got past Nelson Cruz,
And further heroics from Berkman and Jay
Made clear that this team wasn’t going away.
They won it in extras! They won in Game Seven!
They sent Cardinal Nation to pure baseball heaven!
They did it for Torty. They did it for Tony.
They crafted a tale so bizarre it sounds phony.
But how did this happen? How could it be true?
How’d they do the thing no one thought they could do?
The Cardinal faithful can tell you the reason—
Their team’s hearts grew three sizes bigger that season!

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. November 2, 2011 7:20 pm

    This is completely genius. Seriously. It should be published.

  2. Matt permalink
    November 3, 2011 10:07 am

    “Yet even with help from Dotel and Rzepczinski,
    The Cards were concordant as twelve-tone Stravinsky.”

    Brilliant!

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