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ABOTO Holiday Gift Guide: Handpainted Edition

December 5, 2011

What—none of yesterday’s upcycled treasures was quite right for your special someone? You say you like the uniqueness and the originality, but you’d rather give your loved ones new crap instead of repackaged old crap? You’re in luck, because today’s edition of the gift guide features one-of-a-kind handpainted gems that will make thoughtful gifts for your favorite baseball fan. I know, because this one told me so:

…..and it’s a good thing, too, because who knows how many hours I’d otherwise have spent trying to figure out what the heck this was a painting of. A baguette on a bed of lettuce with a lone nonpareil? The moon rising over Mars as a tornado looms? Thank heaven there’s no such ambiguity with the next one:

It’s an old-timey baseball mitt for someone whose fingers were all tragically chopped off at the first joint. And it’s just for boys (specifically, “boy kids”), which is the best news that I, as a non-boy, have heard all day.

Looking for something phestive for the Phillie phan in your life? I bet she doesn’t have one of these:

That’s Citizens Bank Park (and, by extension, the entire Phillies team) being pelted with baseballs, beaten with baseball bats, and ultimately blown up in a phit of phury by the legendarily gracious Phillie phaithful after the NLDS.   Like all great art, it’s current, it’s edgy, and it makes us uncomfortable! But if that one cuts a little too close to the bone, surely she could use this….

…..whatever it is. Seriously, what is it? I have no idea. Tell me if you know. It says “original and functional,” but what is its function? What is this hideous thing?

At least this piece of Boston Red Sox artwork is much more straightforw…..


OH GOD NOT AGAIN. The best I can figure here is that someone’s taken a photo of the Green Monster and rubbed Curt Schilling’s bloody sock from Game 6 of the 2004 ALCS all over it. I can’t explain the green and the blue smears, except to surmise that they too are Schilling’s blood, and potential evidence that he is, as I’ve always suspected, an alien sent from Mars (pictured above) to pitch a lot of really great ballgames and really terrible socio-political opinions. For $85, you can own this painting and do your own forensic testing.

Finally, what’s more romantic than celebrating the holidays by proposing to your beloved with the help of some handpainted baseball art?


Almost anything, really.

Tomorrow in holiday gift suggestions: Presents for Cub fans! I mean, besides the big one they already got when Jim Hendry left.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. December 5, 2011 10:20 am

    Um. Wow. A blogger friend of mine makes quilts. Like- AMAZING baseball quilts.
    Like- the opposite of most of these paintings. That are. Um. Um. …

  2. December 5, 2011 9:28 pm

    Hey whoa there on the Upcycled commentary. I mean, what *else* should one do with baseball cards and report cards except smear leftover paint on them and sell them on Etsy? That’s what people do who don’t spend their time ferreting out stats on overachieving baseball spouses. And by the way, how do you find time to do all that and still be the amazing woman that you are?

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