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ABOTO Holiday Gift Guide: Cubbies Edition

December 6, 2011

Like many folks who follow the NL Central closely, I’m concerned that the Cubs may not be nearly as easy to ridicule in the next few years as they’ve been for the last hundred. Their new manager is a bright guy—he has to be in order to spell his own name—and their new GM has already shown an aptitude for crafting winning teams in defiance of decades-old curses. The new leadership and the always healthy bank account could vault the Cubs back into relevance in the near future….which is all the more reason to mock the Cub fans in our lives with useless tchotchkes while we still can.

I’ve picked my top five. Enjoy!

1. The baby bear Beadazzled bra ($125): Yikes—no wonder their team doesn’t get to second base very often. I’d be scared of it too if it looked like this.


2. The “you can’t spell scrap metal without ‘crap'” Cubs sign ($50): I assume this is an homage to the 2010 and 2011 Cubs—a collection of cast-off junk that isn’t worth the price.


3. The “oh my gourd look at that thing” birdhouse ($7.00): Sigh. Listen, Cubbies, I don’t want to say too much here, but—it seems to me that the number-one bird you’re trying to attract is a certain Cardinal named Albert Pujols. And this isn’t going to cut it.


4.  The shamelessly racist Carlos Zambrano fridge magnet ($4.95): So the thing about Zambrano is…..nah, I got nothing. This is just gross.


5. The Wrigley Field “industrial abstract” photo ($25): In St. Louis, we call this “Oops, I accidentally pushed the shutter release while the camera was in my lap.” Had I know that it was, in fact, “industrial abstract,” I could have made enough money to re-sign Octavio Dotel just by selling my misfires.


Happy holidays to all the North-Siders and those who love them! May the New Year bring Cub Nation….exactly what it’s brought them for a century now.

One Comment leave one →
  1. December 9, 2011 8:45 pm

    Zambrano said Marmol should know Theriot, who played for Chicago for six seasons, can’t catch up to his fastball. Marmol shook off a sign for the fastball and Theriot lined a slider down the left-field line.

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