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Things I learned on Twitter today

August 22, 2012

1) Fox Sports is the worst. Their new “FOXiest fans” slideshow says “As baseball fires up, our eyes wander away from the diamond and onto the beauties in the stands.* Check out the best looking fans from every team.” Okay! Let’s do that! Hmmm….I can’t help noticing that the “foxiest fans” are 100% female, roughly 98.5% white (the only two African-American women in the 83-photo slideshow are standing next to white women), 100% thin, and approximately 97% long-haired. I’M SHOCKED!

2) Papa John’s Pizza is offering half-price pizzas to everyone in the universe if 100 runs are scored in today’s MLB games. What a great deal!** But wait: Isn’t this the same Papa John’s that was going to have to raise prices because of the big, bad specter of Obamacare forcing them to provide health care to their employees? How puzzling! One would think that a company struggling to make ends meet would be reluctant to offer enormous discounts to huge numbers of customers! Could it be that Papa John’s actually turned profits of $16.7 million and $14.6 million in the first and second quarters of 2012—representing a healthy increase over last year’s numbers—but has a CEO who overwhelmingly supports Republican political candidates and decided to score some free points in the media? It’s a mystery!

3) St. Louis Post-Dispatch sportswriter Joe Strauss is still an enormous douchebag. I would pick a specific tweet to link to, but I’m not sure how I’d choose. When he’s not obnoxiously licking his lips over an all-American Chick-Fil-A lunch, he’s slamming the city that keeps him employed, deriding his fellow columnists and media figures with no apparent awareness that they are his superiors both personally and grammatically, and trying to set new records for hashtag smuggery.

4) More of you should be following me! Join the fun at

* Notice the dual assumptions here?—first, that baseball fans are all heterosexual males (duh), and second, that they can’t possibly be expected to pay attention to the game on the field in the thick of a pennant race, esepcially if there are buxom blondes in the bleachers. And yet it’s women who aren’t considered “serious” enough to be Real Sports Fans. Got it.

**Statistically, they’ll probably have to pay up, since scoring FEWER than 100 runs over 16 games—including a doubleheader—would require each game to generate almost 2 fewer runs than the MLB average so far this season. And with the Angels’ pitching staff seemingly uber-committed to helping everyone get cheap pizza, how can we go wrong?

One Comment leave one →
  1. August 22, 2012 4:55 pm

    On balance, I consider this post support for my policy of eschewing Twitter completely.

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