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Six degrees of Alex Rodriguez

August 6, 2013

a-rodIn case you hadn’t gotten the memo, it is a requirement that every story in the media this week must be about Alex Rodriguez. That’s easy enough when we’re talking about the Biogenesis scandal or Bud Selig’s newfound chutzpah or Brian Cashman’s potty mouth, but it gets trickier when, you know, there’s actual news happening.

In an effort to help my fellow journalists—and to distract all of us from the nightmarish, PTSD-triggering memory of Carlos Freaking Beltran BUNTING with two on and none out last night—I’d like to demonstrate how a little game of connect-the-dots can, in fact, link everything taking place in the world today with A-Rod.

Example No. 1:

  • Four former Republican chairs of the Environmental Protection Agency have issued a strong statement in favor of addressing climate change.
  • Climate change was brought to the attention of many Americans by Al Gore.
  • Al Gore founded and chaired the Current TV network.
  • Current TV used to air the show Viewpoint with Eliot Spitzer.
  • Eliot Spitzer’s former madam and current political opponent is Kristin Davis.
  • Kristin Davis reportedly supplied call girls to (and herself dated) Alex Rodriguez!

Example No. 2:

  • The National Security Administration is spying on Americans.
  • The “warrantless wiretapping” program was the brainchild of the George W. Bush administration.
  • George W. Bush used to be part owner of the Texas Rangers.
  • The Texas Rangers spent almost as much unnecessary money on Alex Rodriguez as George W. Bush did on the War on Terror!

Example No. 3:

  • Notorious mafia figure Whitey Bulger is on trial for racketeering.
  • Whitey Bulger was turned in to authorities by his Boston neighbor, model and actress Anna Bjorn.
  • Anne Bjorn was in the  movie More American Graffiti with Mary Kay Place.
  • Mary Kay Place was in Starting Over with Kevin Bacon.
  • Kevin Bacon was in A Few Good Men with Demi Moore.
  • Demi Moore was in Charlie’s Angels 2 with Cameron Diaz.
  • Cameron Diaz used to date Alex Rodriguez!


See? Everything really IS about A-Rod! Please feel free to add your own news stories in the comments; if you’d like to work out the connection, knock yourself out, and if you want me to give it a shot, I’ll be grateful to you for giving me a project to occupy my mind during tonight’s fist-clenching, soul-crushing buntfest.

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