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Make your 2013 Cardinal postseason survival kit now!

September 21, 2013

pepto squirrelPostseason-baseball-induced stress claims thousands of victims every year, but the first step to surviving it is preparation. You may not be able to predict the exact moment when the anxiety, rage, and/or nausea associated with Cardinal playoff baseball will strike, but you can be ready for it by assembling a Postseason Survival Kit ahead of time.

You’ve still got a few shopping days left, so ABOTO has compiled a list of must-haves that should get you through the next few weeks:

1) Rescue Remedy

bach-flower-rescue-remedy-drops-20mlRescue Remedy is a gentle herbal formula designed to help ease stressful or traumatic situations. Pipe a few drops onto your novelty foam finger before you wave your hands wildly in the air, and let its calming energy diffuse throughout your den or sports bar! Note that the patented blend includes clematis, which, according to the manufacturer, helps re-center those who “withdraw into fantasy worlds,” so keep some on hand to spray in the face of your irritating friend who says things like “Normally I wouldn’t root for the Reds, but I just drafted Neftali Soto last week!”

2) Pepto-Bismol

pepto

You’ll want a powerful anti-nausea aid available for those times when Pete Kozma grounds into a 15th-inning double play or Lance Lynn gets to first base with all the speed of an adolescent comic-book collector who hasn’t discovered mouthwash. There are plenty of options on the market, but Pepto-Bismol is the obvious choice for Cardinal fans, since they already have a Rally Squirrel right there on their Facebook page! (User comment: “Why a squirrel?” Pepto response: “The better question is why not a squirrel?”)

3) The You-Doo Doll

youdoo

Certain situations—for example, when Mike Matheny lets his beleaguered closer talk his way back into a game when he’s getting lit up and there’s a lefty warmed and ready in the pen and sweet mother of mercy I’m getting mad again just thinking about it—demand something a bit stronger. Enter the You-Doo, a do-it-yourself voodoo doll that you can customize by ironing on the face of a deserving Cardinal before sticking it with pins. You can’t do that with a bobblehead! Hint: Keep an extra You-Doo around; you never know when the next Don Denkinger or Jeffrey Leonard will come along.

4) The SwatComm

swatcomm

There’s lots to shout about, good and bad, when October rolls around, and you shouldn’t have to mute your expostulations just because not everyone on your street or cell block wants to hear them. The Swatcomm is a high-tech selective-listening device developed for use by SWAT teams and other specialized tactical forces, but we’re confident it can be adapted for postseason purposes as well! Now, only your chosen comrades will hear your screams of “WHY IN THE NAME OF JOHN McCAIN’S TWITTER ACCOUNT IS CARLOS BELTRAN BUNTING??” while your neighbors, pets, or fellow churchgoers are spared. Gosh, if only Tony La Russa had had one of these instead of a wonky bullpen phone in Game 5 of the 2011 ohgodpassthepeptoagainit’sallcomingbacktome.

5) The HeartStart Home Defibrillator

heartstart

Sure, we joke about the “Cardiac Cardinals,” but seriously, how confident are you that you won’t have a heart attack if there’s another Game 6 in St. Louis’s future? (SEE? You had a little one just thinking about it.) Be safe, not sorry, by keeping a HeartStart Home Defibrillator charged and ready this October. This portable cardiac device, complete with Cardinal-red carrying case, makes it easy to revive your fellow fans after a blown save or a devastating TOOTBLAN. (Don’t forget to pass around some blank DNR forms with the Doritos!) (NO REALLY I’M NOT KIDDING WHERE IS MY FORM I CAN’T DO THIS AGAIN.)

6) Cardinal caskets

caskets

And if all else fails and your feeble flesh is no match for the rigors of October baseball, you’ll be glad you pre-invested in a custom Cardinal casket. These snazzy coffins are velvet-lined, long enough to fit all but the tallest big-leaguers, and emblazoned with the MLB logo lest you forget that Bud Selig is still calling the shots even after you leave this mortal coil. Don’t wait until you’re faced with a long fly ball to Nelson Cruz or a near-riot by tomahawk-wielding Braves fans to ask “Will my loved ones and drinking buddies know my wishes in case THIS is the game I don’t survive?” Plan ahead.

No way, dude. This one's mine.

No way, dude. This one’s mine.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Rhett permalink
    October 9, 2013 3:13 pm

    Ha ha this is awesome! Not exactly the type of survival kit I had in mind but there are definitely a few things on this list that I would like to have!

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