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Everything that’s happened to the Cardinals so far this season, in poetry

June 24, 2015

14018That fateful night when Wainwright injured his Achilles tendon,
We Cards fans had a meltdown in the style of Lloyd McClendon
(Okay, okay, the truth is that we weren’t quite that nice—
I, personally, sounded more like Bryan F***ing Price),
But Wacha, Lynn, and Lackey have shored up the Cards’ rotation,
And CarMart, plus or minus porn, is bringing good vibrations.
Heck, even Jaime “Made of Glass” Garcia’s doing well!
(Aw, crap, the strain of reading this sent him to the DL.)
We’ve marveled at the tale (if not the pitching) of Mitch Harris,
And fought off tears at highlights of the late Oscar Taveras.
Matt Holliday’s on-base streak was an early-season best
Until it found a single way to die in the (Joe) West,
And Adams as a clean-up hitter struck us all as odd
Until he rendered that point moot by shredding his poor quad.
We’ve all enjoyed the happy renaissance of here-comes-Trevor,
Who never gives up lead-walks these days (well….hardly ever).
The trip to Colorado was a nightmare, but it stunk
A bit less than the dugout in LA, which housed a skunk
(And hey, I can’t help thinking that Bill Plaschke put it there—
I’ve got no evidence, but speculation’s only fair!).
We still need robot umpires to appease the staff and hitters;
It seems the Cards have hired one, though, to bless us on the Twitters….
And speaking of the internet, the Cards have made the papers
And given the BFIB a bad case of the vapors
By getting caught red-handed in an online cyber-crime
That could have Redbird staffers doing federal prison time.
(The facts are still quite hazy, but the one thing that we do know
Is that no one’s getting Christmas cards this year from Mr. Luhnow.)
Yep, folks, it’s been a long, strange trip, but we’ll keep being loyal fans….
Just maybe not as wacked-out as those power-voting Royal fans.

(Here’s last year’s version, if you’re really bored. Bill Plaschke’s crappiness is a reassuring constant in this crazy world.)

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