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The Midnight Rhymes of an Insomniac Cardinal Fan

October 13, 2015

(Sometimes this works.)

pMLB2-20199383dtListen, my Cards fans, and you shall hear
Of the Cards’ last-ditch effort to salvage their year,
On the thirteenth of October in 2015
At a ballpark that some say smells like a latrine.
There’s nary a Cub fan alive who recalls
The last time the North Siders didn’t suck balls—
But led by the law firm of Epstein & Maddon,
They’re poised to leave Cardinal loyalists saddened.
Things started off well with a win in Game One,
But Jaime and homers soon tempered the fun,
And the hole they’re in now is as deep and as vile
As pizza prepared in Chicagoan style.
The Redbirds are down, but they’ve still got a chance:
One win to tie, and two to advance!
No doubt, it’s not easy to beat these young Cubs
Who come to the plate wielding confident clubs—
Especially when bruises, fatigue, and poor play
Have somehow become the new Cardinal Way.
CarMart is injured, the Lynn-Man is rusted,
Jhonny Peralta’s bat seems to be busted,
Wacha’s been swapped for a clever impostor,
And Choate even blows when he’s not on the roster.
Yadi, beneath his big mitt, has no thumb;
Matheny makes moves that are “manifest” dumb;
Jaime Garcia came down with a virus
That made him turn wilder than Miley Ray Cyrus;
Grichuk keeps swinging with reckless abandon,
And don’t get me started on Moss Comma Brandon.
Wainwright’s Achilles is barely un-sutured….
(God, Cubs, shut up about “Back to the Future”!)
The team’s in a bit of a late-season shambles,
So Mike’s pulling one of his late-season gambles:
The Redbirds will send their tired ace to the hill
And hope against hope that he earns his half-mil
By keeping the Cubs’ squad of burly young creatures
From walloping fastballs deep into the bleachers.
We Cards fans aren’t strangers to postseason shvitzing,
And treating the Cubs to an old-fashioned blitzing
Would be a profound way of telling the nation
That this team’s not ready to go on vacation.
Win one in Chicago, then one ’neath the Arch,
Then head for a coast and a World-Series march!
But first things first, Redbirds; there’s much work to do.
To quote the revered Ernie Banks….let’s play two.

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