The first 10 days of the 2016 season, in verse
The Padres set a record with their scoreless-innings streak
To open the new season and the turbulent first week;
Kyle Schwarber tore his knee up and John Lackey pitched like doodoo,
But owing to Mahatma Maddon’s hippie devil voodoo,
The Cubs are making things look easy (hashtag-they-are-good),
Though Heyward hasn’t heated up yet (hashtag-knock-on-wood).
Dave Roberts pulled his rookie from a late-inning no-hitter,
So LA’s bullpen promptly got him crucified on Twitter;
His predecessor, safely in Miami now with Barry,
Has made a “fear the beard” rule so that things don’t get too hairy.
The Snakes got awful news with the demise of A.J. Pollock,
And when we say that Greinke’s sucked, well, that’s not hyperbolic.
Bruce Bochy’s joined LaRussa’s Church of Pitchers Hitting Eighth,
Which brings us to some more dispatches from the world of faith:
In Queens, the Mets don’t look much like a pennant-winning squad—
You don’t let Daniel Murphy walk without enraging God!—
And Rockies fans are witnessing a miracle unfold,
For Trevor seems to be the greatest Story ever told.
The Astros lost a game because of Colby’s weird maneuver,
And in DC, the mascot race now features….Herbert Hoover?
(Like last year’s Nats, his presidency was an epic slump,
But hey, his giant head seems small compared to that of Trump.)
Bryce Harper stole a base with batting gloves stuffed in his maw
(As padding, in case Papelbon showed up to break his jaw),
And he’ll keep flipping bats when he delivers a big hit
In spite of his detractors, who are clearly full of Schmidt.
The Mariners are lost at sea, the Twins have yet to peak,
The upstart Orioles have got the East grasped in their beak,
And our beloved, vexing Birds laid eggs at their first stop
But found their stride in time to shush the Braves fans’ stupid chop.
Aledmys is adorable, Piscotty’s started raking,
And Hazelbaker’s thrilled us with his hot, hot Hazelbaking—
So Mabry’s job is safe for now, thanks largely to the bats
Of kids he barely knows (I call these “MABR-metric stats”).
No matter! Though the defense and the pitching aren’t yet stellar,
The Cards no longer occupy the NL Central cellar;
Here’s hoping they can find a way to beat some better clubs—
Five years without a ring is far too long! (Oh….sorry, Cubs.)